Recently I asked my body to show me what to heal. A few days later, I began the week of provocation and fighter with tears. It happened out of nowhere and spontaneous. I had a thought about my late dad and a realisation that how deep I was conditioned by him. That realisation alone made me weep.
To write this will open up pieces of me to the world. I believe it’s time to bring it out to the Light. I seldom think of him but yesterday, his memory felt so alive. I knew it’s time to heal our Souls. Therefore, I would appreciate if you read this with compassion and feel no pity whatsoever towards our relationship. Remember that all of us are the product of conditioning and every journey is the sacred ones. So here we go.
I rarely speak about him. I don’t think of him as much as I think of my late mother. But yesterday, I saw a pattern. With him, I learned to fight; fight to be me, fight to get what I want, fight for love. All kind of fights. With him, I always wondered why I don’t feel so much love from him.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.
Don’t get me wrong. He loved me but I don’t feel it. He was not a person of words. I remember asking him if he could carry me, he replied “And then throw you out of the balcony. Sure”. That response made me so happy. We ride an old bike around the island together. He took me to Chinese Kopitiam for breakfast. Sometimes I love to listen to his war stories; he was a soldier in WW2 and then fought with communists in the 60s. I learned to cook because of him. He was a great critic of my cooking.
Oh, I love those moments. Basically, I love if I could get attention from him but he loved not giving me one :D.
I didn’t cry when I saw him on his deathbed. He stared at me as if he knew he will leave. When he died, everyone wanted me to remove all the tubes from his body. They said only I could do it. I don’t know what I suppose to do but I did it anyway out of respect for him, without shed any tears. And I stopped cooking for years after he passed away.
A Wonderful Closure.
Sometimes we don’t know what kind of wound we keep inside of our system. If we didn’t ask to be healed, it will stay hidden in the dark. That probably why I never thought of him. The memories itself was in the dark. But when we are ready to heal, in all level, the Light will find its way to shine in the dark. The healing will flow in an unexpected way.
Yesterday felt like a huge closure for both of us. I have not wept for quite sometimes and it felt so damn good! The experience was like having a wild river flow through me. I felt so much lighter and so much gratitude for the healing.
What’s His Human Design?
And I ready to check his Human Design chart (another realisation). I don’t have the exact time yet so this going to be just a guess. I found out that he was either a Manifestor or an MG, with either Right Angle Cross of Consciousness or Juxaposition Cross of Experience. I’m still reflecting our past together so I could find realisations and then heal both of our souls.
If he was a Manifestor and I’m a Projector, that made a lot of sense 🙂
So long my old Man. May you find Peace, Love and Light Ayah, wherever you are ❤️