So Long My Old Man

Recently I asked my body to show me what to heal. A few days later, I began the week of provocation and fighter with tears. It happened out of nowhere and spontaneous. I had a thought about my late dad and a realisation that how deep I was conditioned by him. That realisation alone made me weep.

To write this will open up pieces of me to the world. I believe it’s time to bring it out to the Light. I seldom think of him but yesterday, his memory felt so alive. I knew it’s time to heal our Souls. Therefore, I would appreciate if you read this with compassion and feel no pity whatsoever towards our relationship. Remember that all of us are the product of conditioning and every journey is the sacred ones. So here we go.

I rarely speak about him. I don’t think of him as much as I think of my late mother. But yesterday, I saw a pattern. With him, I learned to fight; fight to be me, fight to get what I want, fight for love. All kind of fights. With him, I always wondered why I don’t feel so much love from him.

 
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.

Don’t get me wrong. He loved me but I don’t feel it. He was not a person of words. I remember asking him if he could carry me, he replied “And then throw you out of the balcony. Sure”. That response made me so happy. We ride an old bike around the island together. He took me to Chinese Kopitiam for breakfast. Sometimes I love to listen to his war stories; he was a soldier in WW2 and then fought with communists in the 60s. I learned to cook because of him. He was a great critic of my cooking.

Oh, I love those moments. Basically, I love if I could get attention from him but he loved not giving me one :D.

I didn’t cry when I saw him on his deathbed. He stared at me as if he knew he will leave. When he died, everyone wanted me to remove all the tubes from his body. They said only I could do it. I don’t know what I suppose to do but I did it anyway out of respect for him, without shed any tears. And I stopped cooking for years after he passed away.

 
A Wonderful Closure.

Sometimes we don’t know what kind of wound we keep inside of our system. If we didn’t ask to be healed, it will stay hidden in the dark. That probably why I never thought of him. The memories itself was in the dark. But when we are ready to heal, in all level, the Light will find its way to shine in the dark. The healing will flow in an unexpected way.

Yesterday felt like a huge closure for both of us. I have not wept for quite sometimes and it felt so damn good! The experience was like having a wild river flow through me. I felt so much lighter and so much gratitude for the healing.

 
What’s His Human Design?

And I ready to check his Human Design chart (another realisation). I don’t have the exact time yet so this going to be just a guess. I found out that he was either a Manifestor or an MG, with either Right Angle Cross of Consciousness or Juxaposition Cross of Experience. I’m still reflecting our past together so I could find realisations and then heal both of our souls.

If he was a Manifestor and I’m a Projector, that made a lot of sense 🙂

So long my old Man. May you find Peace, Love and Light Ayah, wherever you are ❤️

 

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How to Heal Your Past?

We all have our pasts; the happy ones, the hurtful ones, the joyful or the terror ones. We all been there and experienced it. Sometimes we remember our pasts to the details especially the hurtful ones. How can we not? Why should we forget about our pasts since it was part of the reason of who we are? Even if we could forget who we were in the past, can we forget the memory? We are all human; there is no delete button in our heads. So why are talking about forgetting our past?

My fellow readers, I must say this; Keep the Past. Do not throw it away. Do not deny it. Do not run away from it. Do not go crazy with it too. You must understand that the past, present and future cannot be separated. However, it can be healed.

1. Make Peace with It.

When your past is haunting you right to the present moment, make peace with it. It means making peace with you entirely. It will help you stop sabotage your present moments; the joy that you entitled to achieve.

What happen if you didn’t make peace with it? It makes you think you are living your past. It makes you want to believe that it have created you (therefore you must live with it). By thinking you are living on it, you have added more energy to it. It makes it harder for you to forget it.

Although the past cannot be separate with you, the truth is you are not living it. It only lives the memory Inside Your Mind. So make peace with it. And how can you do that? Read the next one.

2. Acceptance.

Accept whatever that happened to you in the past. Accept the pain and the situation all-together. Accept the shame, the guilt and the resentment. Only by acceptance, you acknowledge that the past is another subject of energy; a totally different from your being. This subject of energy that attached to you is the energy from the memory. By accepting it, you have detached yourself from the energy of the past. You are now looking at it from the eyes of the present YOU instead of the eyes of your past.

Tips: Write a letter to your past. Mention what you are feeling right now about your past. Say what you must with kindness and love. Write it from the heart of a Love being and not from the mind that pass judgement or emotions that get carried away.

3. Forgive Yourself.

Whether things that happened in your past was your mistake or somebody else, give forgiveness to yourself first and then others. Forgiveness is healing. After you have detached yourself from the energy, you should fill the void with love. By filling it with forgiveness, you have already given love to yourself.

Tips: Say I Love You as much as you can. Write and say a simple affirmation such as “I am filling myself with Love and allow forgiveness to heal my past. And so it is. Thank You”

You may ask; what’s the difference it makes, the memory is still there?

The memory doesn’t go away. That’s the fact. What goes away is the energy that attached to the memory. By these processes, the energy gets transmuted. Once it transmuted, whenever you recall the memory or it came back to you in surprise, you will look at it as a witness rather than as a victim. You will face it with love rather than judgement. You can smile at it and not going crazy thinking you are your past. The past no longer sabotage your present moments.

In the other words it gives you Healing.

Make Peace With Past